Understanding and talking to teenagers.

P1000798Is your teenage child moody, secretive and morose? Spending more time with friends, or on their own in their room, refusing to talk to you, and finding you a complete embarrassment?

This is quite normal! As children develop and reach their teens, huge developmental changes occur – physical, mental and emotional. As they grow up, children will begin to separate from us in order to ‘fledge’ as an independent adult.

Therefore it’s only natural that your teenager will want to be more independent and more private, and to spend more time with friends who become a significant presence and influence in their lives.

However, whilst they are living in your home and as part of your family, keeping the channels of communication open is crucial to a healthy parent-child relationship.

So how can you communicate with a reluctant teenager?

  • Choose the right moment – your child will be more receptive during the good moments. Avoid times of high emotion, such as after an argument. Wait until you are both feeling calmer, and arrange and agree on a good time to talk. Talking on a car journey or walk can be very effective.
  • Plan what you would like to say and what you would like to achieve from the conversation. And be realistic.
  • Listen – a really good tip for speaking with teens is not to ask ‘what is the matter with you?’ This can imply that they have done something wrong and you are making a judgement that something is wrong with them. Instead, ask them ‘what has happened?’ This is judgement free and opens the gate for them to talk – and you to listen.
  • Don’t interrupt – to make this easier you could agree that you take it in turns to speak and you aren’t allowed to speak until the other has completed what they want to say.
  • Respect what they tell you – don’t laugh off or belittle what they tell you. Something that seems insignificant or trivial to an adult can be really important in a teen’s life. And if they tell you something in confidence, then respect their trust in you and don’t pass those confidences on. If you want to share with the child’s other parent, ask permission to do this.
  • Don’t go off on one! Stay calm, no matter how you feel. If you feel your emotions rising, ask for a time-out and do something to calm you down before you resume your dialogue.
  • Accept when you are wrong. Sorry is not the hardest word!

For more information on teenage behaviour try this book- Blame My Brain: The Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed. Nicola Morgan.

A Canadian organisation has published a handy downloadable leaflet ‘Straight Talk About Teens’ – it’s full of really useful information and advice. Although some of the information is specific to Canada (for instance on education), it is definitely worth a look.

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The fifth & final 5-a-day: GIVE

giveThere are a number of benefits to mental health from the act of giving. These include building a sense of belonging, improving our sense of competence and providing a distraction from our own problems.

So how could you GIVE…….

  • Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger.
  • Thank someone.
  • Smile.
  • Volunteer your time.
  • Join a community group.

Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and will create connections with the people around you. 

New Economic Foundation 5 steps to wellbeing.

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Fourth out of your 5-a-day: KEEP LEARNING

learnStudies have shown that learning throughout life is linked to greater satisfaction and optimism, and increased self-esteem and interaction with other people (see CONNECT).

Learning gives you a new goal to work towards and reaching this target can create a positive feeling of accomplishment.

So how can you KEEP LEARNING……

  • Try something new.
  • Rediscover an old interest or hobby.
  • Sign up for that course.
  • Take on a different responsibility at work.
  • Fix a bike.
  • Learn to play an instrument.
  • Cook a new recipe.

Set a challenge you will enjoy achieving and feel the benefits.

New Economics Foundation 5 steps to wellbeing

(Photo ‘learn’ by Mark Brennan at  http://www.flickr.com/photos/heycoach/1197947341/)

 

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It’s part three of your 5-a-day: TAKE NOTICE

take notice 2There is increasing evidence of the benefits of taking notice – of being mindful. It can lead to lower stress and worry, peace of mind and a greater feeling of well-being.

Here’s how you can TAKE NOTICE…

  • Be curious.
  • Catch sight of the beautiful.
  • Remark on the unusual.
  • Notice the changing seasons.
  • Savour the moment, whether you are on a train, eating lunch or talking to friends.

Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

New Economics Foundation 5 steps to well-being.

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BE ACTIVE: your second helping of your 5-a-day

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photos-image32182038BE ACTVE….

Exercise is an excellent way to boost your mood. It triggers the release of the stress-busting chemicals endorphins which produce a positive feeling in the body.

  • Go for a walk or run.
  • Step outside.
  • Cycle.
  • Play a game.
  • Garden.
  • Dance.

Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy; one that suits your level of mobility and fitness.

New Economics Foundation 5 steps to wellbeing.

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The first of your 5-a-day for mental wellbeing: CONNECT

holding handsThe New Economics Foundation identified 5 actions that are linked to mental wellbeing.

They are all things that we can do for the first time, do differently, or do more of.

They could be thought of as your 5-a-day for your mood and wellbeing.

The first one is CONNECT…….

  • With the people around you.
  • With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours.
  • At home, work, school or in your local community.

Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them. Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.

 

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Controlled breathing exercise – the path to relaxation in 10 minutes or less.

004Controlled breathing can help reduce blood pressure, promote relaxation and calm, and help us to de-stress.

Here is an easy introductory breathing exercise to try. All you need is a chair and 10 minutes.

  • Choose a time and place where you won’t be disturbed. Remind anyone who shares your home, car, office, not to interrupt!
  • Sit in a comfortable chair. Place your arms on the chair arms or place your hands gently on your lap, palms facing up or down, whichever feels comfortable. Place both feet flat on the floor.
  • Drop your head slightly if you wish and close your eyes if you want to.
  • Start to focus on your breathing. Start to breathe in and out slowly and in a regular rhythm.
  • Breathe in through your nose and fill up the whole of your lungs with air. You can place your hand on your abdomen to feel your diaphragm inflate.
  • Breathe out slowly through your mouth letting the breath escape slowly.
  • Count up from 1 to 5 as you breathe in and from 1 to 5 as you breathe out.
  • Keep doing this and check in to your feelings – do you notice yourself feeling calmer?

Do this for 5-10 minutes every day. Keep practising – it’ll get easier each time and you’ll start to feel the benefits.

If you would like to go further and try meditation here is a great introductory guide.

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Mindfulness: An exercise to try when the going gets busy

Ruby Wax has spoken and written a lot recently about her experience of mental illness – what she calls “a rollercoaster ride of depression” for most of her adult life. In her new book Ruby describes her quest to understand her depression and what will help her to cope and recover.

For her, the answer is mindfulness. This is the ability to focus and pay attention to the present, on purpose and in a non-judgemental way. It’s about learning to calm your mind and steer it where you want to go.

There are limitless demands on us and our time. Life can be too hard and too fast. Ruby Wax writes that ‘multi-tasking has driven us mad: like leaving too many windows open on your computer, eventually it will crash’.

So instead of thinking about what you need to do at work tomorrow, wondering what to have for dinner tonight, thinking about all that you need to do at the weekend and telling yourself what a failure you are for worrying so much (all whilst reading a text, answering an email and checking 3 apps on your phone) – attend to what is going on now. This gives you a space to enjoy life and appreciate what you already have.

Why not try this easy exercise?
Look around you and write down 3 new things that you notice every day. These could be things that you see, hear or say.
For example,
• That plane trail stretches for miles
• I can hear birdsong this morning
• My son has some hazel in his green eyes
• The washing up bubbles make a soft popping sound
• There are so many colours in that autumn leaf
• Stroking the dog feels so warm and soft

This is you being present in the moment, controlling what you attend to and what you think about. It’s mindfulness.

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Music & mood – what’s on your playlist?

You probably have any number of playlists on your phone, your ipod, even on your mixtapes….. You may have a playlist for the gym, for walking the dog, for running, for working. These are all for when you’re doing something.

But what about a playlist for when you’re feeling – a playlist for your mood?

Studies have shown that music can have a positive and negative affect on our mood. Listening to grungy rock was shown to increase feelings of anger and tension. Whilst listening to more relaxing easy listening increased feelings of calm.
Cerys Matthews caught my attention recently with her agony-aunt-of-music column ‘Dr Crotchety’ in the weekend Guardian. She responds to readers’ requests for music to get them through a particular period in their life or to accompany something they do day-to-day. So she has provided musical solutions for the gym, the first dance at a wedding, and for a car commute to work.
Last week she responded to a reader looking for the perfect break-up music. She acknowledged that sometimes you need to allow yourself the time and space to be sad and to cry. And she provided the soundtrack for this.
But then she recognised how music can help to change your mood – and sometimes it’s time to get up and get going again and the perfect soundtrack is there. See what you think of her suggestions here.
Music can match your mood and it can change your mood too – when you feel sad, when you feel happy, when you feel frustrated, when you feel angry – what do you need to listen to? What will be on your playlist?

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“I know he thinks I’m stupid” – mind reading & other errors in our thinking

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) focuses on feelings, behaviour and thoughts – what are you really thinking, and how do you think? Some of the thoughts we have aren’t particularly helpful and can lower our mood. These so-called unhelpful thinking styles can be unlocked by CBT and replaced with something more helpful.

So, you know what I’m thinking?
Your boss asks you to do a piece of work again. You think “My boss thinks I’m an idiot and not up to the job”. This is an example of mind-reading, probably one of our favourite unhelpful styles of thinking. Do you really know what someone else is thinking? If so, shouldn’t you be working for MI6, the CIA or FBI? A more helpful way to think is to base your thoughts on the facts. What did your boss actually say? Did they call you an idiot? Or did they ask you to do the work again because you had missed something first time round? Did you do the work again and get it right? Yes, you did, therefore you aren’t an idiot and you are up to the job!

Fortune telling
You think, “I know I will totally fluff my lines in my presentation tomorrow and everyone will laugh at me”. It’s really common to start making predictions about what is going to happen in the future. However, no one can predict the future – and trying to do so can increase stress and anxiety. So instead, stop and look for the facts. How did your last presentation go? Did everyone laugh at you? Even though you were really nervous, you delivered your presentation, no one laughed, and in fact they clapped at the end.

Blowing things out of proportion
“Oh no, if I disagree with my friend, that’s it, she will never speak to me again and I will lose our friendship”. This is catastrophising, and usually begins with ‘oh no’ or ‘what if’. Even though the problem is quite small, when we catastrophise, things can get very big in our minds very quickly, and we start to feel we’re losing control. So again, stop and look for facts. Have you disagreed with your friend before? What happened then? Are you still speaking? Do you know for a fact that they don’t agree with you this time? How might you deal with the situation in a way which is helpful? Bringing the situation into focus will give you the right perspective.

There are other styles such as only looking at the things that went wrong, rather than what went right (mental filtering), labelling yourself or others (eg. I’m a failure, he’s a loser) and over-generalising about things (eg. Nothing good ever happens to me).

Remember, just because you think it, it doesn’t mean it’s true!
Weigh up the facts and then come up with a helpful and realistic thought.

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